Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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