dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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