You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
