we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
