You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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