I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
