if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
