Having a random hookup so left but love u
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
