just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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