I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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