he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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