Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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