put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
