So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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