i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
