Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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