dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
