Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
