I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
