I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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