I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
