so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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