you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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