I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
