where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
