I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
