Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
