I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
