this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
