My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
