Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
