If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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