ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
