He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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