i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
