I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
