I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
