Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
