dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
