She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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