So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
