Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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