Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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