So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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