God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
