just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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