Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
