so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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