you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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