i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
