Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
