I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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