who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
