I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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