So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
